Sunday, April 28, 2013


I miss the time in my life when I did not constantly feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Sometimes I feel so heavy.
Trapped in this cage I have built for myself.

I long for those lazy afternoons that tumbled so effortlessly into lazy evenings.

The freedom that came with only being responsible for me.

The simple feeling of knowing, that, even if I didn’t, I COULD go anywhere, at any time.

I miss our late night walks.
I miss not feeling guilty over simply doing something “just” for me.
I miss casual drinking.

I miss me.

I realize now, that before I had children I took a lot of things for granted;  my free time, being one of the biggest. 

I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the days of staying up late, knowing that I could sleep the following day away.

Or even something as simple as a late night walk to the grocery store for ice cream…just because.

The changes to my life are everywhere.
From the really big, to the completely mundane and unexpected.

Like, for example;

 How I take baths.

For the first 8 or 9 months of their lives, I never bathed.

 I couldn't.

There wasn't the time, and trying was futile.

I tried a few times,

to fill a bath

to find a book 

and attempt to immerse myself in the complete wastefulness and self-indulgence that had, before, become a staple in my life;  

bathing without washing.

That was my favorite thing;
filling a tub with scalding water, laying back and losing myself in a book until the water turned cold.

But in my new life I could barely manage to have the bath filled before someone would wake up.

With two babies in my life I was lucky to shower for pure utilitarian reasons.

While I was pregnant I bathed constantly.
In the beginning I bathed to try and relive the constant and intense "morning" sickness that plagued me for 20 weeks


mostly, I would end up curled in the fetal position on the shower floor, begging the shower head to wash my nausea down the drain....

Eventually the morning sickness went away and, as I steadily grew bigger and bigger, I bathed to relive the weight and the tension. Towards the end, when I finally stopped working, and was on modified bed rest, I bathed several times a day...simply because I was bored.

These “pregnant” baths were never quite the same as my old "care free" baths. 

For one- I couldn't have the water nearly as hot (raising your body temperature too much can harm your baby/babies) - so I was forced to be content with a warm bath, which I found to be, too cold.
Secondly, as my belly got big, I couldn’t comfortably lie in the bathtub.
Instead I would have to turn my body towards the edge of the tub and rest my head along that edge while I sat.

It was awkward, but it worked.

I've only recently started finding time to enjoy a bath again.

At first I couldn't read.
I'd fill the tub and just sit and stare.
My brain perplexed and overwhelmed by the silence around me.

Shortly after, I began to read again, not in the tub- but outside.

If I didn't have time to bathe I certainly didn't have time to read!


One day I picked up a book and surprised myself by actually managing to read almost an entire chapter before my brain stopped firing or a child woke up.

Soon I transitioned back to being able to read in the tub.

And it was lovely.

It was as if I had found my old friends.

The funny thing is, I still bathe the way I did when I was seven plus months pregnant.

Sitting up, leaning over the tubs edge, my head resting on a rolled up towel.
With my book sprawled open on the floor I am able to rest my hands against the cool stone tiles.

For a 30 min I am as true to "me" as I am able to get.

I guess all of this made me realize that;

If you’re lucky, it is the simplest pleasures in life that truly bring you the most joy...

A  wind chime singing in the night.

The sound of cats lapping water

A book you've read before.

A hot bath.

Warm hands pressed against cold tiles.

It can be so hard, sometimes, to see beyond the negative.

I am guilty of that.

I can spend too much time focusing on the negative, dwelling on the things I cannot change.

Sometimes I forget to look for the little pleasures.

They don't always reveal themselves easily. 

I forget that it is up to me to actually notice them.

To find contentment in the simple things life has given me.

To take hold.

To say;

“This is what makes it all worth it”.

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